Before I Fall
by Mrs. Peanut Butter
Summary: "A huge part of me did not want to do this. Not at all. But I wasn't good enough for her, not even close. She was an angel, while I deserved to burn in the deepest part of hell. But now, I loved her enough to let her go." New Moon The End, EPOV, one-shot


Summary: "A huge part of me did not want to do this. Not at all. But I wasn't good enough for her, not even close. She was an angel, while I deserved to burn in the deepest part of hell. But now, I loved her enough to let her go." New Moon _The End_, EPOV, one-shot

OoOoOoOoOo

I watched her, looking anxious as I led her into the woods. Even at this time, she was beautiful: pale alabaster skin, big, brown eyes, long lashes, red, lush lips. My chest tightened even more, if that was possible. I loved her more than anything in the world. I would give up _anything _to keep her safe, and now I was giving up my presence in her life. It would be hell for me, but that's what I deserved, for endangering an angel like her.

She was still a walking hazard, and I watched as she tripped over a long, knobby tree root. I quickly turned and caught her gently in my arms, but I didn't hug her against me or kiss her temple like I usually did. Her breathing sped up and she blushed beautifully, pink against her creamy skin.

When, I finally found a good location- although my stomach churned- I turned around to face her. She almost broke my resolve right there- her face was panicked, and I just wanted to hold her and kiss it all away. I leaned against a tree and clenched my jaw, so I wouldn't beg for her to forgive me, to take me back.

"Okay, let's talk," she said. She sounded brave. _Good for you, that way I know you'll be fine when I'm gone._

I wiped all emotion from my face and took a deep breath. "Bella, we're leaving." I said it coldly, calmly, even as a wave of nausea swept over me, even as my dead heart broke.

She seemed prepared. "Why now? Another year-" With another wave of nausea, I realized she'd misunderstood. This would just make it much harder.

I took another deep breath, hoping she'd understand.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon, regardless."

She still looked confused. That look, that look of confused anxiety broke my heart all over again. Then, her expression changed. I saw it all, the wave of nausea rolling through her, the panic, the heartbreak.

"When you say _we_-," She whispered.

"I mean my family and myself." It killed me to say it, but it would all be worth it if I knew she was safe.

She shook her head, denying the fact hazily.

"Okay," she said. "I'll come with you."

_Goddammit! Why are you so persistent, Bella?_ I wanted to shout. _I'm trying to keep you safe!_

Instead, I replied. "You can't, Bella. Where we're going… It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me." _Please, Bella, please. _ She broke down more of my will power as she pleaded, argued.  
"I'm no good for you, Bella." There were never truer words spoken.

"Don't be ridiculous." She tried to sound angry, but her voice was shaking, pleading. _My little tiger kitten. _

"My world is not for you," My voice was grim.

"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" _Nothing? NOTHING? You almost died, and that was nothing?_

I reined in my anger. "You're right," I agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

"As long as that was best for you," I interrupted, correcting her.

"_No_! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She shouted, and I could see the furiousness written all over her face, the words exploding out of her. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!"

_Carlisle! Why would he tell her? How can she not care about her soul, about how I'm a soulless monster? I have to do this. It's the only way… even if it breaks my heart to lie to her. Surely she'll see right through me. After all those times I've told her I loved her. _

Another wave of nausea swept through me, and I took a deep, unneeded breath. I steeled myself, _No matter what, you have to stay strong. _

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I said coldly, unfeelingly, and that was the last straw. I could see immediately that she believed me, and after all those times I told her I loved her…..

"You… don't… want me?" She asked, as if trying out the words. I could see the devastation in her eyes, and once again, I reminded myself that this was for the best, so I wouldn't fall on my knees and beg her to take me back. My dead heart shattered at that look, but I kept my eyes cold, and unfeeling.

"No." _Lie. Lie. Lie. LIE! _ My heart shouted in protest, and I wanted nothing more but for her to say, "That's not true. You're lying."

But she didn't. "Well, that changes things." She was surprisingly calm. Could it be that she didn't want me to be here? My heart, although shattered, clenched at that thought, and wheezed painfully.

"Of course, I'll always love you…. in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because, I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." _Of course I'll always love you, but the other night made me realize that you're in danger every second you are with us. _

"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

_That was true. I should've never approached her in the first place. James. My fault. My fault she ended up in a hospital. My fault my brother almost sucked all the blood out of her body. My fault. She'd be much safer without me. _

"Don't. Don't do this." She pleaded with me, although I'm sure she could see my mind was already made. I already have.

"You're not good for me." I lied again. _Oh darling, forgive me._

She opened her mouth, seeming at a loss for words.

"If…that's what you want." She said slowly.

I nodded. I doubted that I could say much, since my heart was in my throat.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said.

For a moment I saw the reverence, the complete trust she had in me, and regret flashed across my face. I quickly composed myself before she could tell that I really didn't want to do this, didn't want to leave her.

"Anything," she whispered.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, my eyes burning with intensity. As long as I knew she existed somewhere, _somewhere, _on this earth, I would have the will to live. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I quickly caught myself, before she knew how much I cared. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him." _For me._

"I will," she whispered, promised.

I relaxed a little, knowing she'd be fine.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said. "I promise this is the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be like I'd never existed."

_It will be as if I'd never existed. _As soon as those words were out of my mouth, I realized they could never be true. _But the rest was true, and I would never bother her again._

She looked faint, and her knees started wobbling.

I smiled softly, reassuringly. "Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

That was true- at least. Humans forget easily. I wouldn't be easy for me- I would never forget how she smelled, how she looked, and how her lips tasted- but at least time would be kind to her.

"And your memories?" She asked, choking over her words.

"Well"- I hesitated- "I won't forget. But _my _kind…we're very easily distracted." _Easily distracted? I think not. _ _But this suffering is exactly what I deserve. _I smiled, softly, tranquilly, but I knew it didn't reach my eyes.

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again"

"Alice isn't coming back," She realized.

I shook my head slowly, watching the pain on her face masochistically.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" The hurt and disbelief in her voice was a knife to the gut.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her a clean break would be better for you." _ What a fight that was. _ Our family had never been more divided. Rosalie wanted to leave, but Emmett wanted to stay. _Mates against mates._ Alice had told me I was making a huge mistake, but I knew this is what's right. I finally convinced her that a clean break was better, thinking back to the hospital in Phoenix.

She started to hyperventilate, her breath coming in short, quick gasps. I knew I had to leave before she broke down my entire resolve.

"Goodbye, Bella." I said, my voice soft and seemingly peaceful.

"Wait!" She shouted, reaching for me. I knew I had to make this quick.

I turned back, pinning her wrists to her side. Even now, I still reveled in the smoothness and softness of her skin, and the electric spark that seemed to fizzle between us. I quickly bent down and quickly kissed her on the forehead, savoring this last intimate moment with her.

"Take care of yourself," I breathed against her skin.

Then I was gone. I ran faster that I had ever before, the forest turning into shades of chartreuse and cocoa, afraid that I would turn back and run to her, begging her to take me back. My memory seemingly stopped, and I continued onto my personal hell on earth.

_Life, love, meaning…. Over. _

OoOoOoOoOo

**Who else loves angry, self-loathing Edward? ;)**

**Any ideas, thoughts, even just a :) or a :(**

**And on another note : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O!**

**BREAKING DAWN PART 2 IS ENDING! AND I'LL NEVER SEE ROB AS EDWARD EVER AGAINNNNNNNN! AND KRISTEN, AND ASHLEY, AND TAYLOR, AND KELLAN AND NICKI, AND PETER, AND ELIZABETH AND …!**

**BUT ACTUALLY, I'VE HEARD SOME NEWS THAT STEPHANIE MEYER IS CONTINUING THE TWILIGHT SAGA. ANYONE GOT NEWS?**


End file.
